After the Fire Is Gone

My four-year-old daughter is a drama queen. This is a new phenomenon for me because I had three boys first, and they just break shit. While that it is frustrating, you can just clean things up and move on. In other words, there’s an end.  But this drama thing, it’s new for me. It never ends, and it’s whiny.

        Case in point: Every time my daughter is bathed in her nether regions by anyone other than herself, she screams and freaks out like she was just cleaned with acid, “My pee pee’s burning!” 

It’s NOT burning, and if it is, it’s not THAT bad. It’s not like she’s being bathed with Goop or Gojo; it’s 99.9% pure – Ivory soap. But, apparently, the drama queen code dictates that she must carry on and on until: A.  I let her sit in the bathtub with mermaid Barbie, or B.  I threaten to beat her. I usually choose B.  Then, accusations of, “You haaaaaate me.” Or “You don’t love me.” are tossed around. From her - not me. I don’t care if SHE hates ME. I’m your mama, not your friend.

        The other night this issue came up and I had a “great idea.”

“Hey, V, do you think ice cream might make your pee pee stop burning?”  All wailing and gnashing of teeth stops on a dime, and she says, “Yes.” Her eyes brightening at this brilliant idea.

I know what you’re thinking, “Ice cream won’t make her pee pee stop burning. Only penicillin can do that.” Or…  “You are setting a bad precedence; don’t reward whining with ice cream.”

Well, before you judge, let me explain that this was after I had been laid up for way too many days with tonsillitis and my sweet husband had been doing EVERYTHING. And dealing with V at the end of a long day makes one REALLY understand why God made them so cute – so you don’t kill them. I was trying to be helpful. I called one of the older brothers in to make it for her, and Daddy’s off the hook. She got her mint chocolate chip, and just like that, the fire was gone.

        Well, just like you knew would happen, her freakin’ pee pee burns ALL THE TIME NOW. She stubs her toe, “My pee pee burns.” Dora is over, “My pee pee burns.” It’s raining outside, “My pee pee burns.” She sneezes, “My pee pee burns.” The mail arrives, “My pee pee burns.”  The stock market takes a dips, “My pee pee burns.” Yeah, you get the idea.

       

My child is a f-ing genius. Takes after her mother.