Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me

Being sick sucks. One of the worst parts is that you really never know HOW you get these germs. All you know is that you make a trip to church, the gas station, HEB, or the Wal-Mart, and the next thing you know, you’re carrying around a pack of germs like a Coyote running illegals in an tractor-trailer up Highway 59 towards Houston. You know something’s in there, but you really don’t know many details about the passengers and how exactly they got in there. All you know is that you gotta get rid of it before it all goes bad, real bad.

I have had tonsillitis for the past seven days. Seven mutha freakin’ days! I’ve been lying around the bed thinking, “Gloom, despair, and agony, on me!” Only thing keeping me from looking like an extra from that Hee Haw skit was a jug and a couple of hounds. And for a woman who loves, LOVES to talk and a mother who yells at her kids, this has been hell. Not only have I not been able to talk, I haven’t been able to eat or drink without the sensation of swallowing 6666 white hot branding irons. (Tiny branding irons; otherwise you’d choke on them.)

That’s right, no beer or wine for seven days. That has been the worst part, especially the last couple of days when the virus was like that guy at the party who wouldn’t leave no matter how loud you yawn or how many times you mention that you have to get up early in the morning. (Dude, all the food and beer is gone. Go home.) All I could think about in the evenings was a drank! But that is over and tonight I will make up for lost time, topping off this evening with a cold longneck. Just the way dignified rednecks should.

But as it is with all things in life, there is an upside…actually more than one.  First of all, I haven’t had to do any housework the past seven days or deal with any kids because of my contagions. This has put everything on my sweetheart, and I have had learned to appreciate how well I married. Another great side-effect? Weight loss! I’ve lost at least five pounds. You know that stubborn five pounds that won’t go no matter how much you think about exercising or talk about giving up your evening wine because it’s just empty calories? Well, thank you very much, tonsillitis virus, you saved me all that rigmarole.

No more gloom nor despair. It’s just, “Yay, me.”