Walkin' After Midnight

     It’s after midnight, do you know where your Sleep is? I don’t. He just gets up and leaves whenever he feels like it. No warning. No note. Just leaves. He’s a bitch, but he’s not my bitch. I hate Sleep.

     I can’t just kick Sleep to the curb. He’s a sexy, fickle, young boy who can’t make up his mind if he loves me or loves me not. While he’s super-hot with his Ryan Reynolds’s six-pack and his messy hair that looks like he just got out of bed, I’m tired of him and his flaky ways. He shows up at odd times and demands that I drop everything I’m doing and go with him. He doesn’t care if I’m working, driving, or needed for sex or to assist with a school project. He even bothers me AT CHURCH! He wants me, “NOW!” And if I don’t go with him when he demands, I never know when he’ll come back. And he makes me snore! Oh, I hate you Sleep – you sexy, fickle, hunk of man.

     It’s Insomnia that is my true friend. I know he’s kind of old, graying, and a bit of a pain, but he’s there every night. There with me and my Droid to hang out and read useless Yahoo! articles about Lindsay Lohan, the Kardashians, and waitresses who give dating advice (which I don’t need because I’m married). He enjoys watching FOX News with me on the couch at odd hours of the morning. He is reliable, steadfast, and will not leave me no matter how hard I try. Insomnia and his Herculean strength can stand up to Benadryl, Lunesta, and multiple glasses of Merlot. He is not a fair-weathered friend; he’s there, after midnight, walkin’ with me to the potty, and he accompanies me all the way back to bed and stays with me, so I won’t get lonely. Insomnia, he’s a snuggler!
Insomnia is fiercely jealous of Sleep. I know this because any time Sleep comes around, Insomnia kicks his ass. Yes, he protects me. Insomnia loves me; Sleep only pretends to love me.
              
     This is why I’m officially dumping Sleep and taking up with Insomnia. Yeah, Insomnia and I are going to have a great future together. My life will be so much more stable and safe because I’ll know what to expect. I can accomplish so much more with Insomnia than I ever could with Sleep. I will bake, clean, give myself regular manicures and pedicures, and the Power Points that I will create for my classes will be amazing. I could even write a book! Yeah, life with Insomnia is going to be great.
               
     Wait a second. Is that Sleep over there washing my minivan without a shirt? Why, yes, it izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.